What to write in a rude retirement card
Retirement cards are usually golf clubs, deckchairs and "enjoy your well-earned rest". The person leaving has sat through forty years of meetings. They deserve one card that tells the truth.
Work out who is signing it
A retirement card is often passed round the whole office, which changes the rules:
- If it goes round everyone, including their manager and HR, keep the front rude and the messages inside clean.
- If it is from a small group who went to the pub with them every Friday, anything goes.
- If it is from you alone, for a parent or a mate, write what you would say to their face.
When in doubt, buy two: a polite one for the office and a rude one from you.
Twelve lines to steal
- Congratulations on your retirement. The rest of us will keep pretending to work.
- Your out-of-office is now permanent. Try not to answer emails anyway.
- Forty years of meetings that could have been emails. You have earned this.
- Enjoy retirement. Every day is Saturday, except bin day.
- We will miss you. The kettle will miss you more.
- No more alarm clocks, no more appraisals, no more pretending to like Gary.
- You are not retiring, you are escaping. Well played.
- Happy retirement. You no longer need permission to have a day off, or a nap, or a drink at lunch.
- The office will be quieter without you. Nobody is complaining.
- Congratulations on becoming someone who says "I don’t know how I ever had time for work".
- Retired: officially out of office, unofficially out of patience.
- Good luck with retirement. Remember, the garden centre is not a personality.
Pick one and write it by hand. Your colleagues will copy you, which is the highest compliment in office culture.
Pick the card
Each retirement card is blank inside, with room for a few signatures and a brown kraft envelope. Out of Fucks is for the one who has been counting down since March, Bin Day is for the organised one, and Day Off is for anyone who spent a career filling in leave requests.
For a mum or dad who is retiring
Parents who swear are the best audience for a rude retirement card, because they will show it to everyone. Keep the inside warm: a line about what they are finally free to do, and a promise to visit more now they have no excuse to be busy.
What to leave out
Rude is fine; bitter is not. Leave out the redundancy, the pension, the boss they fell out with and anything about their health. Stick to meetings, alarm clocks, bin day and the joy of never opening Outlook again.