Festive advice, apparently

What to write in a Secret Santa card

Secret Santa is the only time of year you can insult a colleague anonymously and call it tradition. The gift will be forgotten by January. The card is the bit that gets read out. Here is what to put in it.

By Bad Wrap. Published .

The rules of anonymous abuse

A Secret Santa card has one job: make them laugh without making them guess who you are. Three rules:

  • Joke about the gift, the budget or the season. Not their face, their job or their pay.
  • Office swap? Write it as if it will be read aloud in the kitchen, because it will.
  • Mates’ swap? Anything goes, as long as you would say it to them in the pub.

Signing it is optional. Being found out is not.

Lines for the office

  1. The budget was ten pounds and I respected it completely.
  2. I drew your name and immediately asked for a recount.
  3. Chosen with the same care you put into the shared fridge.
  4. It’s the thought that counts. I thought about it for nearly four minutes.
  5. I know how you take your tea, and I still chose this.
  6. Please treat this gift like your inbox and ignore it until January.
  7. This makes up for every meeting that could have been an email.
  8. No receipt included. On principle.
  9. Merry Christmas. Reply all if you love it.
  10. From someone who sits close enough to hear you eat. Merry Christmas.

Lines for mates

  1. I spent ten pounds on you. That is the most anyone has ever spent on you voluntarily.
  2. The rules say I can’t sign this. Lucky for both of us.
  3. Regift this if you like. Just not back to me.
  4. I drew your name. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.
  5. Merry Christmas, you absolute liability.
  6. This gift is better than you deserve and worse than you hoped.
  7. I would have spent more, but you’d only lose it.
  8. From someone who has seen you dance. Merry Christmas.

Pick the card

If the card is going to do the talking, it might as well say something. Secret Santa, We Both Lost was written for exactly this. All four are 7 by 5 inches, blank inside, with a brown kraft envelope.

What to leave out

Their weight, their pay rise, their performance review and their love life. Anything HR could read back to you in a small room. And anything you would hate to have traced to your handwriting, because someone in accounts will manage it by Tuesday.