Office advice, apparently

Funny Christmas cards for colleagues, and what to write in them

Work Christmas cards come in two kinds: the one that goes round the whole floor in an envelope, and the one you give the person who has kept you sane since March. This page is mostly about the second kind.

By Bad Wrap. Published .

Know which card you are writing

The whole-office card is read by everyone, including whoever runs HR, so keep it to the weather, the Christmas do and the coffee machine. The desk-mate card is read by one person who already knows what you think of the quarterly review. That one can have teeth.

Lines for the desk mate

  1. Thanks for another year of “just circling back”.
  2. Merry Christmas. I have been out of office emotionally since November.
  3. Wishing you a Christmas with no Teams notifications.
  4. Here’s to another year of pretending we read the whole email.
  5. You are the only person here who refills the kettle. Merry Christmas, hero.
  6. Let’s never speak of the Christmas do.
  7. Merry Christmas to my favourite colleague. It was a short shortlist.
  8. See you in January, when we all pretend this year didn’t happen.
  9. Have a lovely break. Don’t check your emails. I won’t be sending any.
  10. Thanks for laughing at my jokes in meetings. Someone had to.

Lines for the boss

Carefully. Funny, not rude, and nothing that could be quoted back at your appraisal.

  1. Thank you for a year of opportunities, most of them at four o’clock on a Friday.
  2. Have a restful break. We will try not to break anything while you are away. No promises about the printer.
  3. Season’s greetings from your lowest-maintenance team member, in my own opinion.

Pick the card

For the colleague who has earned it. Walking HR Incident and See You Next Year, Ideally Less were written for the office. Each is 7 by 5 inches, blank inside, with a brown kraft envelope.

The HR rule

If the words on the front would get you a meeting with HR when said out loud in a meeting, post the card to their house instead of leaving it on their desk. Better still, give it to the colleague who already sends you the worst memes. They will pin it above their monitor.