What to write in a rude birthday card
A rude birthday card is the one they show everyone at the pub. The nice one from their aunt goes in the recycling by Tuesday. Here is how to write one that earns its place on the fridge.
Judge the room first
Rude only works on someone who already talks like that. Before you write anything, check three things:
- They sent you something worse last year, and you both laughed.
- They are opening it in front of people who share the joke, not at a family lunch.
- You could say the line to their face on an ordinary Tuesday.
Three yeses and you are fine. Two or fewer, buy a card with a dog on it and save this page for their brother.
Fifteen lines to steal
- Happy birthday. You are still my favourite idiot.
- Another year older, and somehow no wiser. Consistent, at least.
- Happy birthday to someone who peaked at nineteen and has been coasting since.
- You are not old. You are vintage. Vintage is just old with a price tag.
- I got you this card because a present would imply effort.
- Happy birthday. I would say you don’t look your age, but I was raised not to lie.
- Congratulations on surviving another year of being you. Nobody else could.
- Cheers to the only person who makes me look organised.
- Happy birthday. Please continue to be a terrible influence.
- You are proof that age is just a number, and that the number is high.
- Have a drink for me. Then have another because you clearly need it.
- Happy birthday, you absolute liability.
- Still younger than the dog, so there is that.
- You are ageing like milk. Happy birthday anyway.
- Happy birthday. I could not think of a joke, so I bought a card that did it for me.
Pick one and write it by hand. A printed insult is a joke. A handwritten one is a gift.
For husbands, partners and the one you live with
The rules relax when it is your own partner. They know exactly what you are like, so the card can be honest rather than just rude. Keep the inside warm and let the front do the shouting.
Pick the card
Every birthday card in the shop is blank inside, so the front does the work and the message is yours. These are the four that get sent most.
What to leave out
Rude is affectionate. Cruel is not, and everyone can tell the difference by the second line. Leave out anything about their actual health, their ex, their money, or the thing they told you in confidence. Stick to their age, their taste in music and the state of their flat, and you will be invited to the next one.