Rude Valentine’s card messages for couples who swear
A rude Valentine’s card only works on someone who already knows what you are like and stayed anyway. That is most long-term couples, which is why the soppy ones feel like a lie by year three.
The one rule
Rude Valentine’s cards are for established couples, not first dates. If you are still working out whether they find you funny, buy the one with the hearts on. If you have shared a bathroom for more than a year, carry on.
Fifteen lines to steal
- You are a cunt, but you are my cunt. Happy Valentine’s.
- Still here. Still annoyed. Still yours.
- Roses are red, the bins need taking out.
- I love you more than I love being right, and you know how much I love being right.
- Happy Valentine’s to the only person I would share the last chip with. I would not, but the thought is there.
- Two cunts, one mortgage, no regrets. A few regrets.
- You are the reason I check my phone. Mostly to see what you have ordered.
- Happy Valentine’s. I would hide a body for you. I would criticise how you loaded the car first.
- I love the bones of you. The noises from the rest of you can do one.
- Happy Valentine’s to someone who snores like a warning siren and is still my favourite person.
- I chose you. Repeatedly. Against advice.
- You are not perfect, but you are on the sofa next to me, which is close enough.
- Happy Valentine’s. Pick your fucking shoes up.
- Love you. Now stop touching the thermostat.
- Be mine. You already are. There is no exit.
Pick the card
The red heart version of You’re a Cunt is the shop’s most shared card for a reason. The anniversary range doubles as the rudest Valentine’s cards you can send to a partner who gives as good as they get. All blank inside.
Wrap the present to match
If the card is rude, the wrapping paper might as well be. One roll covers the chocolates, the gin and whatever you bought at the last minute.
Keep one line soppy
The front has done the joke. Inside, write one honest sentence they will read twice. Not a poem, not a paragraph. “Still my favourite person” has never failed, even after the thermostat argument.