Rude Christmas card messages for mates and family
Most Christmas cards say the same thing in gold foil. A rude one gets read out loud, photographed and kept. Here is what to write in it, depending on who is unlucky enough to receive it.
Who gets a rude Christmas card
The same rule as any rude card: only send it to someone who would send one back. Mates, siblings, your partner and the one colleague who already sends you the worst memes. Not grandparents, not the neighbours, and not anyone whose card goes on the mantelpiece for the whole family to read.
Messages for mates
- Merry Christmas. You are on the naughty list, and honestly it is well deserved.
- Have a good one. Try not to text your ex this year.
- Merry Christmas, you twat. Said with love. Mostly.
- I hope Santa brings you everything you deserve, which is why I am worried for you.
- Merry Christmas. Drink responsibly, by which I mean at my house.
- All I want for Christmas is for you to stop sending me voice notes.
- Season’s greetings from the only person who still puts up with you.
- Merry Christmas. You are the reason the group chat is muted.
- Wishing you a Christmas as chaotic as your love life.
- Happy Christmas. The gift is small because you were rude to me in March.
Messages for family and partners
- Merry Christmas to my favourite sibling. Low bar, but still.
- Merry Christmas. I love you, but I am not doing the washing up.
- To the one I tolerate most: have a lovely Christmas, you old bitch.
- Merry Christmas. Please do not talk about politics at dinner. You know who you are.
- Happy Christmas, Mum. Thanks for the trauma and the roast potatoes.
- Merry Christmas. Another year of you snoring through the film.
- To my other half: I would not spend Christmas with anyone else. Nobody else asked.
- Merry Christmas, Dad. Stop telling that story.
- Happy Christmas to the person who finds the sellotape every year.
- Merry Christmas. You are stuck with me. Deal with it.
Pick the card
The Christmas cards are 4 by 6 inches, blank inside, with an envelope. The front has already done the damage, so the message inside can be as soft as you like.
The office rule
Work is different. A rude card at a work do is read by the whole room, including the person who runs HR. If you would not say the words on the front in a meeting, send it to the colleague’s home address, or pick a mate instead. The Secret Santa guide covers how to be rude at work without being unemployed by January.