Rude anniversary card ideas that won’t end the marriage
After about year three, a soft-focus anniversary card starts to feel like a lie. The plughole, the car boot and the alarm-clock arsehole are the real marriage. A rude card says you noticed and stayed anyway.
Why rude works
A rude anniversary card is a compliment in disguise. It says: I know exactly what you are like, in detail, and I am still here. That is a bigger statement than anything with a rose on it. The trick is to keep the front honest and the inside warm.
Messages by milestone
- Year one. Still here. Neither of us expected that.
- Year five. Five years of you leaving your shoes exactly where I will trip on them. Happy anniversary.
- Year ten. A decade of your arsehole waking me up before the alarm. I would not change it. I would change you, but I would not change it.
- Year fifteen. Two cunts, one mortgage, no regrets. A few regrets.
- Year twenty. You are the only person I would hide a body for. You would still criticise how I loaded the car.
- Any year. I love the bones of you. The noises coming out of the rest of you can fuck off.
Pick the card
The anniversary range is seven cards, all 7 by 5 inches, blank inside, with a brown kraft envelope. The front is rude so the inside does not have to be.
Keep the inside soppy
Write one honest sentence inside. Not a paragraph, not a poem: one line they will read twice. The card has already done the joke, so the inside is yours for the bit you would never say out loud. If you are stuck, “still my favourite person” has never failed.