Advice, apparently

What to write in a rude 40th birthday card

Forty is the first birthday where the card is allowed to be honest. The knees have started talking, the hangover lasts three days and everyone in the room knows it. Here is how to write something they will actually keep.

By Bad Wrap. Published .

First, judge the room

A rude card lands when the person already talks like that. Three quick checks before you write anything:

  • They laughed at the last rude thing you sent, rather than going quiet.
  • They have said worse to you, recently, and meant it kindly.
  • Nobody else is going to read it. A card that goes on the mantelpiece is a different card.

If all three are true, carry on. If one is not, buy a nice one and save this page for their brother.

Twelve lines to steal

  1. Happy 40th. You are now old enough to be tired for no reason.
  2. Forty. That is two twenty-year-olds, and neither of them would go out with you.
  3. Congratulations on reaching the age where a good night is one you were not at.
  4. You are not old. You are just closer to the plughole than the tap.
  5. Happy birthday. Your back has entered the chat.
  6. Forty is when you stop pulling all-nighters and start pulling muscles.
  7. Still up for anything, as long as there is lumbar support.
  8. You have officially outlived your own knees.
  9. Happy 40th. The warranty has expired and so has the excuse.
  10. At forty, all the wrong things are stiff.
  11. Cheers to earlier bedtimes and bigger fonts.
  12. Happy birthday. I would say you do not look forty, but I was raised not to lie.

Pick one and write it in your own handwriting. A printed insult is a joke; a handwritten one is a gift.

Pick the card

Every 40th birthday card in the shop is blank inside, so the front does the shouting and you do the rest. These are the five that get sent most.

What to leave out

Rude is fine. Cruel is a different thing, and everyone can tell the difference by about page two. Leave out:

  • Anything about their actual health. A bad back is fair game; a diagnosis is not.
  • Their kids, their ex, or anything they told you in confidence.
  • Money. Nobody laughs about money at forty.

Stick to knees, bedtimes and their taste in music, and you will be invited to the fiftieth.